01.01.2025. WEDNESDAY
22:46 pm
I fear I already know how this journey will progress.
As all my other journeys do, there’ll be a moment where I will get my stuff together, get my rituals trimmed and fulfilling, and get my eating in order… and then I will relax. And then I will slip. And then, I will feel as though I’m at the start again, with no progress behind me.
As I always do, I’ll tell myself “That’s what you do best though, getting knocked down, getting up and starting it all over again.”
But deep down, I started despising fresh starts. There are countless of them already behind me. Some of them got me so far, so far I thought I made it. I thought I managed to change the way my mind operates. And then… you guessed it. I’d relax. I’d slip. I’d slide. And panting, and retching, I’d crawl back to the starting line once again. Commending myself for finding strength to do it all over again, and hating myself for being at this, oh, so familiar spot again.
Only this time, there’s a huge difference.
This time I won’t be failing only myself. This time, my actions’ consequences will reverberate far into the future. This time, failing is not an option.
Today is 01.01., and next year, at this time, I will be holding my baby in my arms.
But before then, I’ve got plans. (which I’m apprehensive to write down; if I don’t fulfill them, I will never hear the end of it – mainly from myself.)
Though, two most prominent plans are:
1. Making damn sure I have got something to teach that kid – isn’t that what fathers do? Prepare the kid for life, teach them skills? Teach them how to think? Only, how does one do that if one hasn’t nearly cracked the code for himself yet?
2. Making space – just clearing space in my mind, and in my subconsciousness. Clearing space so I can be there with my kid – present, fully. And I feel like most of my journey will be about that. Making space, as in making peace with myself. Making peace with how much effort I put into my days, into my writing, into my running, into my chores, and into my motorcycle (it’s important). Making peace that I have done what I had to do to reach my potential.
Making peace that I have done everything in my power to be the person my baby needs me to be.
New Year’s. Oh my, and what a year it will be.