19.03.2025. MONDAY
23:57 pm
I’ve been on the search for a long time, son. A search for the truth in myself, for who I was to become; all the while believing it was predetermined to happen.
But it wasn’t.
Nothing is predetermined. In fact, its quite the opposite, as if the universe itself is doing the best it can to wrestle the predeterminations out of your hands; its playing chicken with you, seeing what will you do, and how will you react. “Crumble in the game of chicken with the universe, and you are dead,” is what I’d say if I wanted to sound cool, but that’s far from the truth. You will always have another chance. Always. In fact, as long as you keep getting up, and keep stubbornly showing the up, you are not out of chances.
So, the years went by with increasing speed, and I kept on fooling myself. I believed myself introspective, meanwhile making every mistake in the book. Years had passed, and I took them for granted. I was walking further away from the truth inside of me, from the image I had of my future self. Even while on the wrong side of twenties, I was not even close to getting rid of my addictions, of my obsessions, and the lies I kept telling myself. And those lies, they cut deep, and leave scars.
Something had to change. My mind sluggish, my eyes blinded by the smokescreen, at a point, I simply ran out of excuses. I was all out of predeterminations; I had one thing left to do – to follow through on my word, for once.
I dared to demand more of myself. I dared to proclaim the false idols truly false, and to wrestle away the childish notions I picked up in my youth (from way dumber people than myself). That is a sentence you just read in ten seconds, but for me, it took years. It took fucking years.
Let me tell you what it took.
It took eliminating my only two friends from my life. Because friends who drag you down and feed you smoke are not friends, they are just life jackets for those who are drowning. And I was sick of drowning.
It took thousands of kilometers, and it took gallons of sweat. It took swallowing defeats, but getting back to that running track, even after throwing it all away, again and again. It took being the guy who comes running out of the dark, who comes running on ice, or while the sun is melting ice-creams.
It took rewiring my addiction riddled mind. It took saying goodbye forever to the biggest lie I ever told myself – that weed was making me happy. While in truth, it took me for everything I was, and everything I had. Again, and again.
It took failure, upon failure, upon failure. And I still fail, to this day, and I know I will fail forever as long as I live.
And that, son, is the cost of believing in predeterminations.
Get rid of them, find the truth. I’ll be there to help you.
P.S. a sentence surfaced to my mind in the last few weeks. A particularly heavy few weeks, full of work, runs, and plans. I’ve been doing a lot, and I’ve been living by my ethos. I’ve been better, because you inspire me to be better.
The sentence goes as follows, “I’m just trying to be the way I wish my kid to be.”